Dr Katz, Professional Therapist to Ninjas
by CellCloneBot
Summary: Dr. Katz will be treating Naruto characters for their mental illnesses. Follows the format of the show Dr. Katz. Ever wondered what type of stand-up material a Naruto character would make? This is the answer.
1. Cereal: Naruto, Shino

Dr. Katz Treats Characters From Naruto  
Chapter One: Cereal  
By: Cornel Kennedy  
  
Dr. Katz, a bald man in a dress shirt and a tie sat across a round table to his son, Ben. Dr. Katz put down his morning coffee and looked at his 25 year old son who shoveled his morning cereal in the shape teddy bears near the area of his mouth. Wait, why morning cereal? This was different from his lunch cereal and half the amount of his evening cereal. "Today's going to be an interesting day, Ben," he spoke.  
  
"Hmm-hmm," Ben replied dipping milk and crumbs from his mouth. His eyes were on a toy offered from the cereal. He spoke to himself: "Cool, forehead protector."  
  
"I'm getting new patients," Dr. Katz started.  
  
"I'm glad, really glad," Ben raised his voice, "to see that the amount of people that are in need of professional help is climbing."   
  
"Get this," he ignored his son's sarcasm, "they are ninjas."  
  
"You mean the ninjas that do back flips and carry around swords?" Ben asked.  
  
"Yes, just to clarify that I am not talking about the ninjas that slack off at home every day and watch television," Dr. Katz retored with a chuckle. "These are trained machines of mass murdering."  
  
"You can't really train a machine to do anything," Ben corrected his father. "They are built the way they are suppose to work. Machines don't have to go to schools to learn anything."  
  
"The media friendly," Dr. Katz performed air quotes for 'friendly', "term for ninjas is machines of mass murdering. Should I have said that ninjas were trained to be machines of mass murdering instead?"  
  
"Now you got it," Ben stated. "Do you think it is in your best interest to treat these machines of mass mudering for mental illnesses?"  
  
"Their credit cards were approved," Dr. Katz said, "if that is what you are asking."  
  
"Now that is how you judge a man," Ben said. "'Have you ever killed a man?' 'Yeah, in colder than absolute zero blood.' 'Do you think your aggressive behaviour was caused by mental illness?' 'I would bet on it, but my credit rating is good.'"  
  
"Man, we're out of cereal," Ben shook the box and over his tilted head and crumbs fell into his face and hair. "We need more cereal."  
  
"For today, for a change..." Dr. Katz started.  
  
"Why change perfection?" Ben asked.  
  
"Sometimes some imperfection denotes whole perfection," Dr. Katz.  
  
"That doesn't make complete sense to me," Ben said.  
  
"Of course not." Dr. Katz agreed. "If it made perfect sense to anyone, then it would not be perfect. What I am suggesting is that you buy a grown-up cereal."  
  
"Great, I would then able to go to the can more than once a day." Ben said.

* * *

The blonde hair ninja in his orange jump suit stood in front the desk of Laura who rested her head in her hands. "Is the quack ready to see me?" Naruto said with a smile and closed his eyes tightly. "If he takes any longer, I'll be Hokage by then and will not be able to play the rapist with him."   
  
"Please, sit down," the red haired woman told him, "he's with another patient."  
  
Naruto shook his fist at the door, "It had better not be Sasuke. Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. The girls are obsessed with him. Sasuke is my rival. He's my anti-ramen. You know how annoying it can be when people around you keep on talking about Sasuke?"  
  
"People? No." She admitted. "Person? Yes."  
  
Dr. Katz came on the intercom: "Please send in the next person."  
  
"Yipee!" Naruto jumped into the air with a fist pointed to the ceiling. "I'm recognized."

* * *

Dr. Katz sat on his chair and Naruto rested on the couch.   
  
"So tell me about your childhood." Dr. Katz beat the end of his pencil on his lips. "Oh, you're still a child. Didn't really notice that."  
  
"Notice it! Notice me!" Naruto leaned to the edge of the couch and pointed to himself.   
  
"You have a problem with neglect," Dr. Katz pulled out from Naruto's subtle hints, "tell me about it."  
  
"Yes, finally, back to me. It was hard to get people to recongize me. Well, they knew me, but they knew me because I had a demon sealed into me." Naruto said lifting up his jacket and black t-shirt to reveal his seal.   
  
"You have a demon sealed in you?" Dr. Katz said. "You're going to have to be charged extra for that."  
  
"WHAT?!?" Naruto yelled with his hands around his face and mouth wide open.   
  
"I'm joking," Dr. Katz said. "Maybe not the best time for that. Now back to business. Which is you."   
  
"As I had said," Naruto started, "everyone recognizes me."  
  
"I know what you said," Dr. Katz mentioned, "why is it a problem that everyone acknowledges you?"  
  
"It's not! You weren't paying attention to me!" Naruto shouted. "I told you the problem was that people don't pay attention to me! Oiroke no Jutsu!"  
  
In a gust of smoke, Naruto was turned into a sexy blonde haired girl who blew a kiss at Dr. Katz which knocked him and his chair back propelled by two streams of blood comig from Dr. Katz's nose. Naruto put a long slender finger on his pouty lips.   
  
"He recognized me," Naruto said in a soft female voice and giggled. "Oh no, I can't get out of this."

* * *

At his chair behind his desk, Dr. Katz picked up the phone in his office. "Hello, Dr. Katz speaking."  
  
"You are now under my ninja technique." The voice on the other end said. "This call is costing you five more cents a minute."  
  
"Hey, Ben," Dr. Katz replied.  
  
"Yo, Dad," Ben laid on the couch with the phone resting between his shoulder and neck. "What's up?"  
  
"You ever wonder if someone leaves my room completely changed?" Dr. Katz answered. "I had one of those moments."  
  
"I knew you could do it," Ben had two action firgures in his hand that resembled ninjas and crashed them together. "Did you know, ninjas are just a bunch of people who dress up in black and carrry swords and take jobs like cutting the lawn or finding a cat."  
  
"How do you know anything about ninjas?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"Research." Ben explained. "I was thinking about getting a new cereal, and though, 'Hey, why can't we pay someone to go get it?'."  
  
"We?" Dr. Katz questioned. "I think you should get your cereal for yourself."  
  
"Yeah, we." Ben sharply stated. "I looked up in the phone book and saw an Ad for ninja services. We ask them to buy us cereal and they go do it. They are like the boy scouts. I'm going to go spy on them; do you want to see a ninja chop the head of a person who has thought he could go through the express lane with one item over the limit?"  
  
"That," Dr. Katz said, "I would like to see."

* * *

A quiet boy in a gray overcoat and a black fro sat across the room from Laura. "Can you stop doing that?"  
  
The boy wearing round lensed sunglasses looked at her. "Doing what?"  
  
"I don't know." She confessed. "You're, I don't know, somewhat freaky sitting there."  
  
"Where should I wait?" Shino asked in his very deep and elderly voice.   
  
"I don't know," she laughed, "go wait in the closet."  
  
"Sure," he didn't realize her humourous nature intended for that command. He opened the door and closed it. "Is this to your liking?"  
  
"I can't tell if you are being serious," she told him. "You don't have to be in there. You can wait out here. I'm not all that weirded out by seeing you."  
  
"If you don't want to look at me, I can turn invisible." The door opened and closed.  
  
"Hey, where are you?" She asked and put her legs on the chair and held them to her chest. "This is even stranger."  
  
"I was kidding," Shino said stepping out of the closet.   
  
"You need to work on your delivery." Laura suggested.  
  
"Thank you for your opinion," he bowed down to her, "I will take it under as much seriousness as it permits."  
  
"You don't have to be sarcastic about it." Laura said.  
  
"I apology again," he said. "How can I make it up to you?"  
  
"You're not kidding, are you?" She asked. He nodded. "Here's how you can make it up for me. After your done with Dr. Katz, can you take over my position, taking calls for the doctor and admitting patients."  
  
"Yes, it would be my greatest honour to serve your most important needs." Shino said.  
  
Dr. Katz came on the intercom: "I'm ready for my next patient."

* * *

Dr. Katz opened the door for Shino and when he came into the room he kissed the floor. "Please, take a seat, Shino."  
  
Shino walked over to Dr. Katz's chair. "The other one, Shino."  
  
Shino picked up the pillow and fluffed it up before putting it back down on the chair. Out from his large coat, he pulled out a picture of water and filled the glass of Dr. Katz half way. "Thank you, Shino," Dr. Katz took a seat. "Hey, why only half way?"  
  
"Lao Tzu wrote: 'A fill a cup to its brim and it is easily spilled'." Shino remarked.  
  
"I think he meant that as a metaphor and people should not be excessive about anything." Dr. Katz said. "Like being overly polite."  
  
"You are completely right and wise." Shino praised him.   
  
"You are not going to lift up my ego with your comments about me to avoid talking about your problem." Dr. Katz stated. On his notepad, he wrote and underlined: "I am completely right and wise."  
  
"I would conclude a man of your intellect and virtue would not fall for such a trap." Shino said. Dr. Katz had a thought of Shino bowing down to him as he brushed his teeth. Dr. Katz smiled and buzzed Laura. "Cancel all my appointments for the rest of the day." Dr. Katz pulled his finger off the button. "Why else do you find great about me?"  
  
"Your observance of yourself." Shino said. "You don't really care if you contradict yourself after ten seconds of saying anything."  
  
"Oh, you're being sarcastic." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"Your receptionist came to the same conclusion." Shino revealed. "Was she second in marks in your class after you? My problem? People don't realize I'm being ironical with them."  
  
Example clip: (All impersonations are done by Shino)  
  
I sit at a table with an empty bowl of ramen and have an unhealthy green tint of my face.  
  
The ramen girl came up and stood on the other end of the bar. "Great ramen, huh?"  
  
"Sure, greatest in the universe," I have to duck under the bar (sound of vomitting come from Shino), "if there is any food I would eat before dying, it would have to be your ramen."  
  
End of clip:  
  
"Can't she tell that if I ate her ramen again, it would be the thing that kills me?" Shino asked.  
  
"Well, some people like you to tell them how it really is?" Dr. Katz.  
  
"That is the stupidest advice I have ever heard."  
  
"You could have suger coated that." Dr. Katz told him.  
  
"People don't want to hear it as it really is. One of my teammates, Hinata, she's always troubling me with questions." Shino changed his voice to a whinny shy girl. "'Oh my god, if I pair up with Neji, should I fight him?' Yeah, knock yourself out; he'll give you a hand. He's from the same clan as you, as all the abilities of you, but trains harder. I can see a great out come for you. But here is the dumbest question she has ever asked me."  
  
Clips: (All voices done by Shino)  
Hinata walked up to me. "Can I bug you? Tee-hee, I made a funny."  
  
"What is it?" I ask.  
  
"Do you think that Naruto likes me?" She asked.  
  
"How should I know?" I ask her.   
  
"Well, you're both boys." She concluded with valuable insight. What kind of comment is that: "Well, you're both boys."  
  
End of Clip  
  
"If that comment was true then who cares which boy you go out with. How does she think wars start up." Shino added.  
  
Clip:  
Two dictors are sitting having a drink at a bar.  
  
"Hey, I'm a dictor, your a dictor. We don't disagree with anything. You want to go to war with me, what do I want?" One dictor said.   
  
"We'll let the men fight, they wouldn't object to being used as tools for our amusement. They're guys, we're guys. We all agree!" The second dictors said. The two click glasses and the second one toasted: "To the death of millions of consenting men!"  
  
End of Clip  
  
A jazzy soft music played.   
  
"Oh," Dr. Katz said. "You know what the music means?"  
  
"Great, I thought you were in denial about it." Shino said.   
  
"Actually, I believe it is the alarm that we have gone five minutes over," Dr. Katz said, "I'm going to have to charge you for this new full hour."  
  
"Excellent," Shino relaxed back on the coat, "I have so much more to complain about."  
  
"Okay, it was the ending tune," Dr. Katz confessed. "Now you don't have to go home, but you are also not welcomed here for the rest of the day."

* * *

Ben walked into the front room of his father's practice. He looked over to Laura at her desk with her arms crossed and peered over to where she was looking. "Wicked." Ben nodded his head at the naked blonde girl sitting on a seat with patches of cloud. Ben walked over to Laura. "I predict a forecast of partial clouds in the day and at night a clear sky seen on my bedroom."  
  
"Sure," Laura said. "Why don't you go talk to her?"  
  
"You think I have a chance with her?" He asked.  
  
"I'm positive that you have as much chance with that girl as the hottest guys on the planet." She declared. "Go and buy her ramen."  
  
"Maybe some other time," Ben said. He looked over at Naruto and she looked down in shame. "So the game begins."  
  
"It has already started for me." Laura said.  
  
"Is my dad getting out soon?" He asked.   
  
"No, he has to see the patient over there again."   
  
"I'm going to spy on some ninjas." Ben said. "Interested?"  
  
"No."   
  
"See you tomorrow."  
  
"Not if I poke my eyes out tonight." She remarked.  
  
"But if you poke your eyes out, then I could still see you here tomorrow."  
  
"If I poke my eyes out," she asked him, "would I really come in tomorrow?"

* * *

Ben waited at the corner of the alley for the cereal in the supermarket. A short haired pink girl accompanied by a girl with black hair wrapped in buns on the sides of her head looked at a note and searched the boxes of cereal. "Why do we have to do this, TenTen?" Sakura asked.  
  
"All the other missions involved fighting," Tenten sighed. She picked up a box. "Okay, got it. Let's go pay for it."  
  
"Wait, wait," Ben walked up to them. "You're ninjas, right? You know, I want to see some flips."  
  
"But we are only buying a box of cereal." Sakura remarked. Ben tore the box away from Tenten and put it back on the shelf.   
  
"That is the way my grandma buys cereal." Ben stated and pointed at a box on the top shelf. "This is a ninja mission, not some girly frolic in the enchanted fairy forest owned by pink ponys with flowers in their tails reigning over mystical fairies and a legion of fruity boys who you are attracted to with their dark personalities and stand offishness. So make with the flipping, you, you, tools of tactics."

* * *

Dr. Katz with his notepad over his eyes had Naruto in girl form in his office.   
  
"I can't stop them, everyone is glaring at me. Can't they leave me alone?" Naruto's soft feminine voice peaked in tone.   
  
"When you first came here, Naruto," Dr. Katz said. "Naruto. That is what you want to be referred to in your form right?"  
  
"Of course!!!" he tried to sound angery but failed cutely. "It is better than 'Hey, chick!'; 'Yo, Mama.', or 'Come right, babe'."  
  
"Well, when you first came here, Naruto, you wanted to be recognized. And now that you are, you can't get enough of it. Have you heard of the Lao Tzu saying: 'Fill the glass to the brim, and you get fully billed.' Well, something like that. Anyways, you have too much attention and couldn't like it." Dr. Katz explained. "Not all attention is good and you have to be able to moderately enjoy your time when you aren't in the spotlight. Your master, Kakashi gave me this scroll to underchange you. He told me to tell you that you can't say he never did anything for you."  
  
He put down his notebook. Dr. Katz eyes intensified and he performed some hand seals. "Reverse technique!"   
  
A flash of light emmited from his eyes and it filled the room. Dr. Katz tried to speak but his mouth ejected a picture of Naruto in his girl form. "What was that technique?" Naruto said, then reformed back into his former self. "Hey, it worked!"  
  
"I wonder why a picture was taken." Dr. Katz stated as Naruto left the room.

* * *

Naruto's teachers, both grey haired men, Kakashi and Jiraiya stood against a railing in the Naruto world near a portal that goes into Dr. Katz's world. Jiraiya, an older man with hair that went down to the ground, jumped up and down. "When is it going to develop?"  
  
Kakashi reached under his blue face mask that covered his mouth and removed the picture. The two huddled over it, with Kakashi with a hand over his mouth, and his uncovered eye surrounded in red, while Jiraiya drooled.

* * *

Ben came into the living room with two black eyes and swollen cheeks with red on them that looked like part of a hand. He put down the box of cereal on the coffee table and threw his beaten body on the couch beside his father. "I hate ninjas," he said. "Wouldn't even do a back flip to get a box of cereal."  
  
"Ben, did you piss off the machines of mass murder?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"No, I showed the girls a great time and at the end of the night I suggested the customary ninja way of saying that you had a great time with a little ass whimping." Ben groaned.   
  
"Did the first date thing, huh? Took them out to a defenseless village, murdered the parents, and enslaved the children. No ninja can resist that." Dr. Katz laughed lightly.  
  
"And a moonlight stroll along the roof top of a feudal lord. My charm was on tonight." Ben laughed calmly. "On a serious note dad. You know the political correct way of referring to a ninja?"  
  
"Machines of mass murder. Yes."   
  
"Well, don't call them the politically incorrect term." Ben suggested.  
  
"I'll take the note down," Dr. Katz said. "What is it?"  
  
"Tools of tactics."  
  
"That ninja union has really being busting balls over that." Dr. Katz concluded.

* * *

Next patients: Sasuke and Shikamaru  



	2. Internet: Sasuke, Shikamaru

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist to Ninjas  
Chapter Two: Internet  
  
Darkness was interrupted in the living room as the television flashed violently. Ben lounged on the couch in his underwear, two mismatched socks, and his regulaur white t-shirt under an unbuttoned light blue shirt. Dr. Katz rubbed his eyes and tugged down on his blue sleeping clothes.   
  
"What are you watching, Ben? It's 2 am." Dr. Katz asked over the annoying sounds consisting of loud explosions and rapidly repetitive rings and such coming from the television. He sat down next to Ben.  
  
"It's anime, Dad." Ben clugged down some pop. "Animation that is art, not like that crappily animated crap that America produces."   
  
"Aren't animated shows for children?" Dr. Katz asked then his eyes widened when a loud explosion and scream emerged. "Woah! Did that eight year old girl wearing that school uniform with that staff just impale that man?"  
  
"American Nazi censorship." Ben protested. "That's right. This is dubbed and cut. Completely unfair. She is suppose to be nude like in the Japanese version."  
  
"Well, that is why I don't understand this show; what coherence is there for the plot if the underaged girls aren't running around nude in the middle of the Artic?" Dr. Katz asked. "Why are you concerned that these girls are naked?"  
  
"People on the internet keep on calling me a dubbie." Ben stated. "My reputation in the anime community on internet is gone."  
  
"Sorry to hear that. How about this, if you can follow me?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"Sure, speak to this broken heart son of yours," Ben chuckled.  
  
"First, I go get the keys to the roof."  
  
"I'm right behind you. We are on the same page, Dad."  
  
"We go up to the roof," Dr. Katz added.  
  
"I like where this is going." Ben commented.   
  
"And we jump off the building." Dr. Katz concluded.  
  
"You too?" Ben asked.  
  
"Yes, how can I live with a son who has been ostracize from the anime community on the internet?" Dr. Katz answered.  
  
"I love you, Dad," Ben told him, "but aren't you forgetting something?'  
  
"There would be nothing left to think about Ben. Gravity will do the rest." Dr. Katz raised a hand and dropped it into his hand on his lap. "Splat! Bullet proof plan, huh?"  
  
"How about the step were I put on some pants and my jacket?" Ben said. "What kind of father would bring his son out to commit a suicide pack without putting on his jacket?"  
  
"Sorry, Ben." He dryly apologized.   
  
"I need access to the internet." Ben said.  
  
"The libraby has free access, Ben." Dr. Katz replied. "Go talk to your friends online there."  
  
"No, I need to download non-censored subbed episodes of anime. They're laughing at us," Ben stated. "You do anything to stop people laughing at you."  
  
"Well, it would allow me to search for pyschology papers and keep in touch with patients." Dr. Katz started. He looked back at the screen as a scantily clad girl ran across the screen with bouncing boobs. "Hmm, strangely hypnotic. I should thank anime; I'm likely to get more clients because of it."

* * *

At Dr. Katz's practice, his receptionist, Laura sat at her desk drumming with the end of two pencils.  
  
"Laura," Dr. Katz said, "I'm a bit older than you."  
  
"I demand a DNA test to verify that." She jested and put the pencils in a coffee mug.  
  
"I don't know if I know the lingo to relate to you with your generations' subject." Dr. Katz said. "What if I sound foolish to you after this?"  
  
"Maybe, you shouldn't tell me anything." Laura suggested.  
  
"Advice noted." Dr. Katz responded. "Do you have the internet, Laura?"  
  
"Yes, I do." She answered. "What is your interest in it?"  
  
"Ben, he wants to connect to the internet. Connect... is that the right term?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"Is this going to be one of those conversations where whenever you say anything related to the internet that you are going to drag on this already boring discussion with asking me to correct your usage of lingo?" She asked.  
  
"I'm afraid so," he warned her. "What do you think about Ben and the internet?"  
  
"It would cause him to resort to spending the rest of his free time online," Laura comtemplated, "and he wouldn't show up here as much. I think it is the greatest idea he has ever came up with."  
  
"Thank you, Laura." Dr. Katz walked away. Laura stood up from her chair.  
  
"It would be very educational," she left with him as he shut his office door.

* * *

Dr. Katz sat at his chair and glared at his patient. Sasuke dressed all in black had his elbows on his knees and he leaned over so his chin could rest on his folded hands.   
  
"You're at that age," Dr. Katz commented. Sasuke jumped out of his chair and tugged down on the large collar of his shirt. His sharigan dissolved his normal eyes and pierced into Dr. Katz.  
  
"So what if I'm at that age," Sasuke shouted sending chakra to his free hand that was not aimlessly tugging on his shirt collar. "So what, if I'm not a ANBU caption. I will kill that man! I will kill that man!"  
  
"Please calm down and have a cookie." Dr. Katz moved to the edge of his seat and pushed a tray of cookies towards Sasuke. He calmed down, sat down, and bit into a cookie he took from the plate. "I was taking about that age when one is starting to develop feelings for the opposite gender."  
  
"I'm going to kill my brother." Sasuke reminded Dr. Katz crossing his arms.  
  
"Please, don't try to avoid this topic." Dr. Katz recommended. "How is your relationship with girls?"  
  
Sweat dropped from his forehead and he frantically looked from side to side. "Are they here, right now?"  
  
"No, it is just you and I in this office." Dr. Katz answered. Sasuke released a long breath.  
  
"Girls. I can't get away from them. They see that you are in limited supply, and they suddenly develop an interest in you. Girls have treated me like a rare misprinted sports card since my brother murdered my whole clan." Sasuke commented and cleared his throat to imitate a girl's voice.  
  
Clip: (Sasuke does all voices)  
  
Three girls are hundled around and showing eachother their cards in their hands.  
  
"I like just can't so believe you have a Sasuke. He should have been killed by his brother. That's ultra rare." Ino said. "All I got is a Choji and a Shikamaru."  
  
"Yes so like way," Sakura sneers, "Sasuke is mint even autographed by Orochimaru."  
  
End of Clip:  
  
"Yes, it is unfair to treat people as objects." Dr. Katz concured with him. "What would you say would be the perfect girl for you? How do you want girls to interact with you?"  
  
"No sane guy has to think long about that answer: it's Hinata." Sasuke answered.

* * *

The phone rang on Dr. Katz desk and he picked it up. "Dr. Katz's speaking."  
  
"Hey, Dad," Ben responded with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the phone. "Did that reach you soon enough? You aren't dead, are you?"  
  
"I don't know what you're saying?" Dr. Katz said.  
  
"You know, this isn't instant conversation." Ben told him. On the windshield, a white splot of bird crap hit the window in front of Ben. "Damn, some bird crapped on the window."  
  
"Did you just get the car washed?" Dr. Katz wondered.   
  
"What are you getting at? All bad things end with three?" Ben questioned. "Maybe I can pull up to that drive-throu cancer treatment joint and see if I have any terminal illnesses."  
  
"Well, it's good luck if a bird does its business on the car after you have it washed."   
  
"That's a strange superstition. What kind of luck would an air bombing bring if it is after spring cleaning?" Ben asked. Dr. Katz snickered.  
  
"I believe the people who lived in the house that was bombed have the increased chance of getting luck from their new house." Dr. Katz explained.  
  
"How so?"  
  
"Well, they would be living in a trailer home, and they also are in the contract with birds that if they are crapped on, the people inside get good luck." Dr. Katz finished.  
  
"You're awful, Dad." Ben said. "How much time have we wasted on the phone?"  
  
"What is it with you and time, Ben?"  
  
"It's just that it's not instant, like on the internet." Ben complained. "If we had the internet, this conversation would all be instant."  
  
"I'll tell you," Dr. Katz started, "we will be having the internet soon."  
  
"Good," Ben said, "the community on the internet have started to flame me, Dad."  
  
"Mr. Pink, can we start using aliases so that no one knows that I'm related to a person who gets flamed on the internet?" Dr. Katz said.  
  
"Why do I have to be Mr. Pink?"   
  
"Where are you off to?"  
  
"I'm going to get our computer and internet." Mr. Pink said. "It will be set up by the time you get home."  
  
"Can we use connected instead of set up? My father set up my A-track in my old Ford." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"Sure. We will be connected by tonight."

* * *

At a local bar, called Jacky's, Julie served Dr. Katz his drink. She wore a pink headband that pulled back her long black hair and had a white short sleeved shirt that accented her tanned dark skin. A man with his scars on his face and a goatee sat next to Dr. Katz at the bar and ordered the hardest drink that the bar served.  
  
"My name is Shikato," he announced shaking Julie's and than Dr. Katz's hand. His coat was grey and old with rips everywhere. "Your receptionists told me that you would be here, Dr. Katz."  
  
"When is he not here?" Julie laughed.  
  
"And what can I do for you?"   
  
"My son, Shikamaru has requested that he would do the session over the phone with you." He stated downing the drink, and tapping the glass for a refill.  
  
"Is he sick?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"He's sick of making an effort." Shikato answered. Dr. Katz then tapped his glass to Shikato's.  
  
"I know where you're coming from." Dr. Katz said and then asked of Julie: "Have you ever thought kids today are getting lazier?"  
  
"Sure. They are even trying to get proper fake IDs, these days." Julie said. "I went on a nation wide search to find someone who looked just like me so that I could get into clubs."  
  
"Well, my son is on another level of laziness. He was on a survival trip, and he when his squad asked him to fill the pot with water, he just went out to the middle of the field and dug a small hole and waited for it to rain." Shikato stated. "He laid there for two days without moving looking at the clouds."  
  
"Did he see any interesting clouds?" Julie asked.  
  
"He told me that he saw a rabbit."   
  
"That is quite the find." Dr. Katz commented.  
  
"Yeah, but he also told me he would wait there until it rained or until he saw a cloud that looked like a rabit." Shikato responded.

* * *

A phone rested on the couch in Mr. Katz's office. "Can you hear me?" Shikamaru's voice came from the phone.  
  
"Yes, I can hear you." Dr. Katz answered.  
  
"Great." Shikamaru rolled over the pile of dirty clothes he rested on in his room. "I don't have to do much in this session, do I?"  
  
"You do what ever feels conformable to you." Dr. Katz told him. "Can you describe the relationship between your parents."  
  
"My mother has both the ball and chain in my parent's relationship, and there is no reason for anyone to say no to the demands of a person in the possession of a ball in chain." Shikamaru said. "I don't want to beat around the bush; my father is whipped. I ask him for an advance on my allowance, because I hadn't done any of my chores, and he had to ask my mom if he could bring the question over to her. If my father took a stance on anything, it would be the way he dresses. I suspect the last thing that a man gives up is the way he dresses. Every day, I hear this."  
  
Example Clip:  
  
Shikato is in front of his wife and looked like a sob as he is.   
  
"You ain't wearing that." His wife scorned him.  
  
"I think this is fitting." Shikato said.  
  
"Interesting, I picked my shoes in that they are fitting to enter your ass."  
  
"Okay, I'll change."  
  
End of Clip:  
  
"Do you feel that your father is providing you with a bad model to be a grown-up man?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"Let me put it this way, she tells him to jump, and he's already landed face first in the ground."

* * *

Dr. Katz entered his son's room, that was dirty as any other day. Ben sat at his desk in front of a computer.   
  
"So," Dr. Katz said, "you got the computer. What are you doing?  
  
"I'm surfing the internet." Ben stated.  
  
"What are you surfing for?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"A frigging user name." Ben cursed. "I can't find one that isn't used."  
  
"What names have you tried?" Dr. Katz went up to a stool next to Ben. He read off the screen: "BoobyLikingMan???"   
  
"I can't believe it is taken." Ben said. "I've tried to put numbers like 42, 69, and 66, behind the name, but they are all taken."  
  
"You know, your mother and I didn't have any problems naming you Ben." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"A username has to be original." Ben said. "Here are the guidelines. Men have to have a username that say what part of the body they like and girls have to say that they are hot or sexy in their username."  
  
"Such strict rules to create a username," Dr. Katz stated, "huh?"  
  
"I think that everyone has used every screen name possible. The internet is not full; we are not serving any more people."  
  
"Just try your name: Ben Katz." Dr. Katz suggested. Ben typed it in.  
  
"Hey, it works."

* * *

Across from Laura, Sasuke moped on a chair.   
  
"He's kind of cute," Laura thought, "I wonder if he has an older brother."  
  
"Hey," Laura said to get Sasuke's attention, "I have to get some.. information from you."  
  
"What is it?" Sasuke coldly asked.  
  
"Do you have any older brothers?"  
  
Sasuke screamed and pulled on his already loose collar. "I will kill him!"  
  
Laura clapped her hands. "How cute!!"

* * *

This time for the session, Shikamaru was there, with his limbs all over the couch.   
  
"Tell me what annoys you." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"Troblemsome things."   
  
"What do you mean by troblemsome things?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"Why does eating a banana have to be so difficult?" Shikamaru asked. "It's a fruit; we should be able to eat it without peeling it. That is troblemsome. Can't we sleep while standing up? The whole process of waking would be that much easier if we could already be standing up when waking."  
  
"What would we do with the term 'falling asleep'?" He asked.  
  
"I was promoted a while ago. I don't know why people keep on promoted me. I want to be after the first person. It makes me feel special to be next. There is something good about being next rather than first. People who are first have to be a learn to the person who is next. Every mistake they make is a mistake avoided by the person who is next." Shikamaru claimed. "If you're next, and the person in front of you is refused to use a coupon, then you're saved the problem of debating the issue. You can ride on that person's agrument."

* * *

The phone on Laura's desk rings. "Hello."  
  
"Hey, I'm watching subtitled films," he paused his subbed anime show. "Are you impressed?"  
  
"I consider it to be one of those unsolved mysteries." Laura responded.  
  
"I'm cultured now. No more english films for me. Hollywood is for consumers, but subtitled films..." Ben paused then continued, "they are for the cultural elite."  
  
"Don't you have the internet?" Laura asked.  
  
"Yes I do." He said. "This computer is great. I can download shows I want to see, order movies from the store near my appartment, and chat to you at the same time."  
  
"Great."

* * *

Sasuke looked at Dr. Katz.   
  
"Tell me about your family." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"Well, I am the youngest child, so I get everything my older brother has gotten." Sasuke said.   
  
Clip:  
  
Sasuke's parents are handing him hand-me downs.  
  
"Here you go, son," his father said, "Just wipe the blood of these weapons, and they are yours."  
  
"Don't forget these," his mother hands him a blue uniform, "this is what your brother wore at your age when we loved him so much more than you.  
  
End of clip:  
  
"You don't think that your parents loved you as much as your brother?"   
  
Sasuke pulled on his collar. "Is it getting hot in here?"  
  
"Okay, we can come back to the question another time." Dr. Katz listened to the jazzy music. "Well, you know what the music means."  
  
"Yeah, time to kill my brother!" Sasuke stormed out pulling on his neck collar and holding a bolt of chakra in his hand.

* * *

"Hey," Dr. Katz entered his son's room that no longer had a computer in it, "what happened to your computer?"  
  
"I have come to a conclusion about the internet." Ben said.  
  
"What is that?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"Going on the internet is great," Ben started, "but being a ninja is the best."  
  
"It's a sad day in a father's life when his son chooses a career over a much of nude animated girls." Dr. Katz joked.  
  
"I want to become a ninja." Ben said.  
  
"Couldn't fool the anime community on the internet that you weren't a ninja?"  
  
"Nope." Ben answered.

* * *

Next patients: Sakura and Gai  
  
Special guest: Itachi! 


	3. DVD: Sakura, Gai

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist to Ninjas  
Chapter Three: DVD  
By: Cornel Kennedy   
  
Ben and Todd chatted at the cash register in the local movie rental place called Vic's Video Palace. A black cloaked figure walked into the video store and Todd greeted the man who responded by tilted his peasent hat which climed the bells that hung from the edge of his hat. Later on he returned to the counter and put down a copy of Laurence Oliver's adoptation of Hamlet and a pack of red lifesavers.  
  
"Is this all?" Todd asked.  
  
"Yes." He responded. Ben rolled the pack of lifesavers.  
  
"I can't believe you got a pack of these in the cherry flavour." Ben said. "That is the flavour you give to people you don't really like."  
  
Todd was finished. "It's going to be a dollar extra because the film you returned last week was not rewinded to be the beginning."  
  
"Kisame!" Itachi said clutching his fist in the air. He calmed down. "I allowed Kisame to use my membership card. Permit me to have the fine waved."   
  
"Ah, I can't do that." Todd said. "You know the last person who rented 'The Mating Habits of Sharks' had to use his own time to rewind the film."  
  
"Kisame, that disturbing bastard." Itachi removed his peasants hat and stared Todd and then Ben in the eyes with his sharigan eyes. He picked up the pack of lifesavers and film and walked out of the store without paying. They stood in a daze and awoke with a scream.   
  
"Woah," Ben stated shaking violently more so than Squigglevision, "I just had a dream that for 72 hours that all the televisions in the world were destroyed."  
  
"I know your feelings. For 48 hours I was tied up to a cross and that man would stab me with his sword. when he pulled it out he would say, 'How about I rewind this, just like you want it?'" Todd vomitted and keeled over on the counter.  
  
"Hey, why did you only have to go through 48 hours of torture?" Ben asked. Todd moaned and drool came out of his mouth. "I've learned a lesson from all of this."  
  
"To stop relying on TV so much? To not tease strangers?" Todd managed to release in a disjointed voice.  
  
"Hell no." Ben twitched. "I have to get a DVD player so I don't have to run the risk of paying the penalty for not rewinding."

* * *

Gia rubbed his sharp chin with his hand and grinned. Laura raised her hands over her eyes to block the glare from his teeth.   
  
"Imagine if I get her number..." Gai wondered and drifted off in his imagation.  
  
Clip:   
  
(Gai providing voices)  
  
Kakashi and Gai meet outside the ninja academy. Gai holds up a piece of paper with Laura's number on it and with his free hand he gives Kakashi the thumbs up.  
  
"Oooooooo...." Gai pumbs back his hand that had given the thumbs up. "I got a phone number!!!"  
  
"Well," Kakashi says sluggishly, and pulls back his headband that covers one of his eyes. "I will COPY it!"  
  
Gai puts it back quickly. Kakashi grabs his chest and he falls over. "My dying words: 'Hard work beats genius, any day'."  
  
A shovel emerges from Gai's green jumpsuit, and in an instant, a hole is dug to put Kakashi. When Gai is finished, he does a little jig and laughs boldly on Kakashi's grave.  
  
End of clip:  
  
"But if I don't get the number," Gai thought to himself, "I will do ten thousand push-ups while on a raging river with Kakashi sitting on my back reading his filthy book."  
  
Gai walked up to her and did a spin to introduce her to his thumb. "Can I have your phone number?"  
  
"No." She said.  
  
"Very well," Gai said, "then I will do my push-ups."  
  
"Why are you doing push-ups?"  
  
"I said if I did not get your number, I would do push-ups." Gai answered.  
  
"I see, that is why you are in excellent physical condition."   
  
"Thank you for noticing," Gai said and paused. "Wait a moment."

* * *

Sakura sat down on the couch in Dr. Katz's office. He asked: "If there were one thing in your life you could change, what would it be?"  
  
"My forehead!" Sakura shouted.  
  
"Yes, can we go for something a little less superficial?" Dr. Katz asked.   
  
A white outline of Sakura, called Inner-Sakura, came out of her and clutch its fist. "Superficial!?!?" Inner Sakura bellowed in Sakura's scary subconscious. "Kill him."  
  
"No one is going to dislike you because of your forehead." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"They all have complicated issues and reasonable excuses not to like you." Dr. Katz told her. Sakura held her head down in shame. "So, what would you change about yourself?"  
  
"I don't know," she spoke down to her feet, "I just feel.. I feel.. I get in trouble and..."  
  
"People have to finish your sentence." Dr. Katz concluded.  
  
"Yeah," Sakura smiled and raised her head, "and when I am trying to protect someone, I feel.."  
  
Dr. Katz interupted her: "That you are getting in their way and not helping at all."  
  
"Exactly." Sakura agreed.   
  
"I am on a roll!" Dr. Katz said. "I can't tell you how good I feel because of his session."  
  
"This session is suppose to be.." Sakura started but was cut off.   
  
"About you." Dr. Katz faked a basketball shot. "Am I right?"  
  
"Stop that, you're..." Sakura didn't finish. The closing music started.  
  
"Out of time." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"But???" Sakura threw her hands out to her side. Dr. Katz crossed his arms and looked away from her.  
  
"That the end." Dr. Katz annouced.  
  
"I am on an edge of a major breakthrough." Sakura said.  
  
"Maybe when you are going home, you're have that major breakthrough that are time is already up." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"I detest you."   
  
"The only thing you're deTESTING is my patience." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"That wasn't funny, that wasn't funny at all." Sakura stated.  
  
"I leave my A-material for paying clients during their time." Dr. Katz said. "Bye now."

* * *

Dr. Katz checked over the history of his next patient as the phone rang. He picked it up. "Dr. Katz's office, Dr. Katz's speaking."  
  
"We need a DVD player." Ben stated. He closed the mircowave door and set it for his burrito.   
  
"Am I finding a pattern to these calls Ben?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Ben asked back.  
  
"So many times, you have called talking about needing some new technology, but either you spend too much on it or you aren't happy with it." Dr. Katz told him.  
  
"Sheeh... I thought you were going to recall our playful banter. You know, our good times we have when I call you." Ben said. "Have I ever call you and not made you laugh or lighter?"  
  
"Yeah, I can feel my wallet get lighter each time we speak." Dr. Katz laughed. "Oppss.."  
  
"There you go. We have chemisty and timing with these call." Ben commented.   
  
"That is just how I vent my frustation with you, Ben." He revealed. "Why do you want a DVD player?"  
  
"I have to avoid getting a fine for not rewinding the movies I rent when I return them." Ben said.   
  
"I have a beta player in storage. We can get that because after the movie is done, it loops back to the beginning." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"Problem solved. When I hang up, I will start calling up some paleoanthropologists so that we can dig that fossil out of the stone." Ben remarked. The timer beeped a few times and his burrito was done.  
  
"What is that beeping noise?" Dr. Katz said.  
  
"That is the sound of a well thought out zing." Ben said and sniffed the air. "I think I smell something burnt in the oven."  
  
"What did you burn, Ben?" He felt for the ploy.  
  
"I just burnt you and your silly suggestion." Ben chuckled. "Come on. DVD player."  
  
"I think to stick with tradition, you're going to have to bug me a second time before you buy the DVD player." Dr. Katz said.   
  
"Well, I've already brough it." Ben said. "But I tell you what. I'll phone you up again and we can pretend like I didn't."

* * *

Gai was about to sit on Dr. Katz's couch, when Dr. Katz warned him. "Watch out, Kakashi spilled some water on that."  
  
"What? Thinks he can wreak your couch more than me?" Gai ninja chopped the couch and it split it in halves. "One up for Gai!"  
  
"Gai, you're going to have to pay for it." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"You can't control the green beast!" Gai yelled in his intense fist clutching pose.  
  
"Well, when Kakashi spilled his glass of water on the couch, he promised to buy me a two thousand dollar couch." Dr. Katz lied.  
  
"Is that so?" Gai said. "I will buy you a four thousand dollor couch and out do him."  
  
"Very good." Dr. Katz said. "And after you do, I will help you fix that problem you have with Kakashi. I think you ought to leave now."

* * *

Ben showed his father the new DVD. "There are many reasons why we need this DVD player."  
  
"I don't know." Dr. Katz said. "There's an adult cartoon that I really liked but it got cancelled. Will that ever be put on DVD?"  
  
"You're dreaming, Dado." Ben said. "Just to change things up, how about tomorrow, I wouldn't go off and buy something."  
  
"That would be gracious of you."  
  
"I mean, I can call you," Ben said, "and we can just have that other pattern."  
  
"You mean that great banter?" Dr. Katz asked. "This is the reason why my show wouldn't be put on DVD."   
  
"What reason wouldn't the cartoon you like be on DVD?"  
  
"It never got a proper ending."  
  
"Got cut off when something interesting was about to..." Ben started,

* * *

Next Patients: Kakashi and Anko  
  
Special Guest: Shino's Pop! 


	4. SciFi Convention: Kakashi, Anko

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist to Ninjas  
Chapter Four: Sci-fi Convention  
  
Dr. Katz and Ben were having their coffee on the kitchen table. Ben amused himself with the toy the box of cereal was containing and Dr. Katz wrestled with the newspaper.   
  
"Why do you think people expect when they knock on your door and turn it into some melody?" Ben asked.  
  
"I think, Ben, that they are being considerate." Dr. Katz slipped his coffee.  
  
"Nah, I don't think that's true. If anything, they want to feel like they are someone important who deserves some theme song." Ben said and tapped his knuckles on the table performing a bit of 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'. "Oh? That's John at the door, quick someone get it."  
  
"In the middle ages, they used to announce kings with the sound of the horns." Dr. Katz added. "Oh, and how about the people who open a door and say 'knock, knock'?"   
  
They shuddered. "Since the start of these trends, this world has got into the crapper."  
  
"Ben," Dr. Katz said and his son grumbled, "do you have any plans for today?"  
  
"Yeah, if you're up for it." Ben said.  
  
"What do you have in mind?"  
  
"There's a sci-fi convention, and I was hoping we could go together. You know, dress up, meet the actors not important enough to be casted in the new sequel." Ben described. "How about it?"  
  
"How about this costume idea?" Dr. Katz said. "The invisible man. You see, I would not go to the convention at all. The people who go to these conventions are... how should I stick it to them... one wheel short of the discovery of the wheel."  
  
"The invisible man, huh?" Ben wondered. "Are you going to follow in the way of your hair?"  
  
He leered at Ben. "I'm coming, but you have to work on your invitational skills."  
  
"I'll meet you there around 4 o'clock." Ben said. "Pick up some costumes on the way to the convention centre."  
  
"I would need to cancel an appointment, but okay." Dr. Katz said.   
  
"Doesn't something like cancelling appointments bug you?" Ben asked.  
  
"Yeah, but for some reason, it doesn't this time."

* * *

Dr. Katz hung his green jacket and brown hat on the coat rack in the front office. "Good day, Laura."   
  
"That was how I was seeing it before you came in here to tell me that." She said.  
  
"Ben and I are going to a sci-fi convention this afternoon, and my last appointment has to be cancelled." Dr. Katz said.   
  
"A sci-fi convention? Isn't that were losers go to relive the victories that they never had and converse about the most mindless issues?" Laura asked.  
  
"How is that different from right here?" Dr. Katz chuckled.   
  
"They wear costumes." Laura stated.  
  
"Glad to be in this sincere world?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"Truly, you're deeply profound." She tiredly said as he went into his office. She picked up the phone, checked in the address book under 'very nutty', and phoned. "Hello, this is Dr. Katz's office. Is this Tenten?"  
  
"Yes," she answered. A mumbling came from her closet, and she got off her bed to close the sliding doors on a tied up and gagged Neji. "I'm so excited that I'm going to be the first in my team to see Dr. Katz. It makes me feel special."  
  
"Truly, you're very special." Laura rolled her eyes. "Dr. Katz is not available today, and you will be given another time slot in a week. Thank you for your patience."  
  
"What?!" Tenten said but Laura had already hung up the phone. She threw the phone at the wall then walked to her bed and rolled Lee out from his tolley. "Looks like you two will be sleeping over a bit longer."

* * *

Dr. Katz was feeding his fish when Kakashi arrived in his office. "What happened to the couch?"  
  
The can of fish food dropped to the floor and Dr. Katz turned around and said in a stern voice: "Where have you been? You're late!!!"  
  
Kakashi's exposed right eye lazily searched over to Dr. Katz. He shrugged. "I have a good excuse."  
  
"Do you mind taking your mask off?" Dr. Katz requested. "This is a safe environment and you should be able to expose yourself here."  
  
Kakashi started to remove his mask. "A cute red head wouldn't let me go."  
  
Before Kakashi could remove his mask and show Dr. Katz his face, the end music started. "You know what the music means."  
  
"I have looked underneath the underneath," Kakashi fixed his mask, "and the music means that you are not strong willed enough to properly end your session with your patients."  
  
Kakashi exited the door struggling to retie his mask. He walked up to the front desk. "When is my next appointment?"  
  
Laura looked at her time sheet and saw 10 am. "It would be at 9 am."  
  
Kakashi tilted his head back and sneezed causing his mask to come off. Before anyone could see Kakashi's face, a flash of light blinded the room and smoke filled the room and a door was knocked down. When the smoke cleared, Kakashi was gone and a dark haired woman with a round face stood in her grey trench coat. The ghettoblaster that she held in the air over her head played Dead Kennedy's. "My name is Mitarashi Anko!"  
  
"I hate you; I hate you so much." Laura told Anko.

* * *

"Sorry about the sitting arrangements." Dr. Katz talked down to Anko who squated on a stool. "Tell me; what do you want most out of people."  
  
"ATTENTION!" She threw her fist into the air and tightly closed her eyes in passion.   
  
"Hmmm.. hmm..." Dr. Katz nodded and then yawned. Anko slammed her hand against the coffee table.  
  
"Am I boring to you?"   
  
"Frankly, yes." Dr. Katz told her. "I've already treated a patient who wanted more attention. Give me something interesting about you."  
  
"How about..." Anko grabbed onto her coat collar and pulled it back revealing a curse seal, "this!"  
  
"Great a tatoo." Dr. Katz looked close at it. "I've already seen that before. Hey, what do you have in your mouth."  
  
"Nuthin'," she muttered from whatever was in her mouth. Dr. Katz held his hand out to her. "It chalkate. Min!"  
  
"But I don't have any chocolate in this room." Dr. Katz stated.  
  
"I fawd it on the flore untur the couch." Anko passed through her wide mouth. "It's flore chalkate!"  
  
"Give it to me," Dr. Katz demanded but Anko crossed her arms and looked away from him. She shook her head. "You're a big girl now, and shouldn't be eatting stuff off the ground."  
  
"No, no, no, no, nonono." Anko said. He gulped the object down then she held her throat. "Owww.."  
  
Her face started turning a ligth blue. "Let me up you spit that out."  
  
"Ah-huh." She said and tried to shallow again. She kneeled over and rubbed her tubby. "Hmmm..owww.. hmmm.."  
  
Dr. Katz started to pat her on the back and the object started to come up her throat.   
  
"One more hit should do it." The end music played. "Well, you know what the music means."  
  
Anko got up and stumbled around and left. On the way out, she tripped into the door and removed it from its hinges. "Why do ninjas keep on wreaking my office?" 

* * *

The phone rang and Laura asked. "Hello? Dr. Katz's office."  
  
Ben rested on the couch. "Yo, anything exciting happened at the office."  
  
"I met the first patient that I actually could bear." Laura said. "His face was covered. I was so close to seeing him."  
  
"I bet he's covering something ugly." Ben told her. "It would be best that you imagine that my face was behind the mask."  
  
Laura slammed the phone down. Her mind was invaded by the image of Kakashi looking like Ben. She dug her face into her arm and hit her fist again the desk.

* * *

An imperial storm trooper holding a bag came up to Ben. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper??"  
  
"Ben, it's me. I'm your father." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"No, no, noooo!" Ben shouted and laugh. He pointed to be the bag. "Is that my costume?"  
  
"Yep!" He handed the bag over to Ben. He walked away to the washroom. "Now, what to do?"  
  
Dr. Katz turned around and saw a man with yellow plastic short shorts and a very short yellow top that left most of his protruding gut covered in hair. "Oh-no."  
  
"I'm Man-Faye," he showed Dr. Katz his back and twisted his head around to blow him a kiss. It was a tragedy to the character Faye from Cowboy Bebop.  
  
"That's no moon, that's a space station," Dr. Katz commented on Man-Faye's large ass and fled the scene. He walked into Ben who flipped the orange visor on his hemlet and stood with his fists at his hips in his Rebel X-wing pilot uniform.   
  
"Kick ass," Ben said.   
  
"I think we were mistaken. This is drag queen convention." Dr. Katz said.   
  
"What do you mean?" Ben asked and pulled a man carring a large sword over his shoulder. The man wore a long red coat that hung together with a wide belt. Most of his face was covered up with a flared black collar. "See, this man is dressed up as his same sex. He's Auron from Final Fantasy X."  
  
"Is that where I come from?" The man adjusted his round sunglasses. "Do you know which bus I have to take to get to this Final Fantasy X?"  
  
"Wait, are you related to Aburame Shino?" Dr. Katz asked. The arm that was laying in the case and under the coat turned to face up.   
  
"Yeah." Shino's father said. "What's what my hand reads."  
  
"Who the hell is that weirdo?" Ben said to himself looking pass Shino's father.  
  
"How could you forget your son?" Dr. Katz asked. "You're not going to forget our session are you?"  
  
"I have a very bad memory." He admitted. "Glad to have met you two."  
  
"Same here." Dr. Katz said and offered him a hand. He took it and released his large sword that fell behind him and hit Man-Faye. "Dr. Katz."  
  
"I don't know my name." He said. "Sorry."  
  
Dr. Katz looked over to Man-Faye who was being carried away from some First Aid workers who were there to handle the aftermath of a Han Solo/Greedo argument. "Doesn't matter, Mr. Aburame."

* * *

Dr. Katz and Ben sat on the couch and watched TV. "I had fun."  
  
"I did as well." Dr. Katz said. "You can take the costume off now."  
  
"I don't think so." Ben retorted. "Should we make the promise?"  
  
"Yes we should."  
  
"For now on, I shall be known as squad leader." Ben sneered. "Nah. The real promise. Let's promise to never go to a sci-fi convention again."  
  
"Agreed." Dr. Katz said. "There are better things to do than talk about characters that don't exist."  
  
"Can you tell me about your patients?" Ben asked.  
  
"That would not be ethical." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"But it would be entertaining, wouldn't it?"  
  
"Yes. Yes it would." Dr. Katz agreed.  
  
-----------------  
  
Next Patients: Gaara and Asume  
  
Guest Appearance: Iruka 


	5. Rainbow: Gaara, Asuma

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist to Ninjas  
Chapter Five: Rainbow  
  
Ben entered the dining room and sat across from Dr. Katz who wore a multicolour tie. "Going to some pride march?"  
  
"I don't know what you are asking about, Ben." Dr. Katz slipped his coffee.  
  
"Don't you think it is a little fruity to be wearing a rainbow tie?" Ben asked. He lifted the tie to his face and then it fell to his yellow dress shirt.   
  
"I'll tell you," Dr. Katz said, "this isn't a rainbow."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"It doesn't follow the colour spectrum." Dr. Katz said matter of factly as if everyone knew what the colour spectrum was. "Another thing that doesn't make this a rainbow is that isn't caused by rain. Finally, in its basic form, a rainbow must bend and can't be straight stripes like my tie."  
  
"I hope that you have written that down," Ben said. "You'll be explaining that to every sensible man you come across."  
  
Dr. Katz ignored his son and handed him an envolope. "Wow, this is the first time I have ever got anything in the mail. Get the camera, pop."  
  
"Let's say we laminate it to a plank of wood so we can show everyone your victory." He said.  
  
"Theim fightin' werds," Ben said in a southern accent, "meet me by the chicken coop, sissy."  
  
Ben rotated the letter around and then read the front: "Dr. Ben Katz."  
  
"It must be a mistake, Ben" Dr. Katz said.  
  
"No, no, no," Ben shook his hand, "credit card companies don't make mistakes. I am a doctor, call me Dr. Katz."  
  
"That would take around eight years of university to become a doctor," Dr. Katz, the father, spoke, "and you had skipped the first week of community college before you dropped out."  
  
"Bout time I get some credit for that. Credit card!" Ben waved his new credit card in Dr. Katz's face emmiting a devious snicker.

* * *

Dr. Katz, the older bald therapist, stood in front of Laura. "Are there any messages?"  
  
"Yeah," Laura said and put the gum back into her mouth, which had come from mouth to wrapping around her finger. "The Leprachaun union called and they want to know where you would like your pot of gold. Right on your lap will be fine, right?"  
  
"Charming as ever," Dr. Katz straightened his multi-coloured tie. "This really isn't a rainbow."  
  
Laura laughed lusciously laying her forehead into her hand. "Please don't ruin the joke."  
  
"Oh, I get the joke," Dr. Katz said, "but maybe you should save it for someone who has a rainbow tie on."  
  
"Well," Laura returned to her grim self, "how is that not a rainbow?"  
  
"As you can see," Dr. Katz put one shoe on the desk and after bringing it back down put the other shoe on the desk, " I have two shoes on."  
  
"I don't follow you," Laura stated.  
  
"Well, Leprachauns are recognized as shoemakers who only work on one pair of shoes," Dr. Katz giggled.  
  
"And, you're critizing my joke?" Laura said.  
  
"Sorry." Dr. Katz said. "We should have gone right to business after a proper chuckle of your joke."  
  
"Whatever," Laura said in her dull voice, "we can forget about the whole thing."  
  
"What thing?" Dr. Katz asked. "Are there any non-mystical creature related messages?"  
  
"Yeah, Iruka had called to say that you had left to do a home session with some unstable kid." Laura said. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"What would I be doing at a house call?" Dr. Katz asked. "I wouldn't agree with that."  
  
"Well, Iruka did pick up a Dr. Katz."   
  
"Oh no," Dr. Katz hit his forehead with a palm.  
  
"What?" Laura asked.  
  
"I think that Iruka may have picked up Ben."

* * *

"How did you get that scar across your nose?" Ben asked Iruka.  
  
"There a corner store that does scars for eight-teen dollars." Iruka said guiding Ben to his patient.  
  
"Huh?" Ben wondered. "In this place, you pay to have your face wreaked."  
  
"The girls dig it." Iruka said. They came upon a building that had a red curtain which Iruka pushed away. "Here's your patient."  
  
"Thanks." Ben entered. The room was dark and a boy with red hair and dark marks rounding his eyes sat crossed legged on a pillow surrounded by candles. "So, you're my patient."  
  
"Love only yourself, and fight only for yourself." Gaara spoke.  
  
"What if someone stronger wants to fight in my place?" Ben asked. "Should I allow him and you know, shake his hands?"  
  
"Damn," Gaara said, "I never thought of that situation."  
  
"That's why my name's Dr. Katz." Ben said and rubbed his chin. "So, you know, tell me about what a freak you are."  
  
"I don't like it," he started in a creepy slow voice, "when people in front of me stop to see an accident. You know, there are other people who want to see it too."  
  
"Right on," Ben nodded his head. In front of him, he saw a tube coming from a glass container, filled partiallly with water, and intook some smoke. He blew out a cloud. "What else?"  
  
"My teacher hold me never to run with scissors," Gaara explained, "that is what a knife is for."  
  
"Cool," Ben smiled. "Tell me more."  
  
"'The knife ran away with the spoon'," Gaara recited, "but it was only recongized in Massachusetts."  
  
"I don't get it." Ben said but laughed harder than ever.  
  
"If I'm Gaara of the desert," he started, "why am I so pale?"  
  
Outside a gong was hit and sounded in the dark room. "You know what that means."  
  
"No, I don't." Gaara admitted.  
  
"It's got me as well." Ben stated.

* * *

Dr. Katz pressed the button on his intercom for Laura. "Is my next patient here?"  
  
"I'll send him right now." Laura said with a cough at the end.  
  
Asuma, a large fellow with a dark patch of facial hair under his chin came in with a lit cigarette. He sat down on the new couch. "Hey, what is up?"  
  
Dr. Katz got out from behind his desk and sat on his regular chair. "The price of this session."  
  
"A kidder!" Asuma put his hands behind his head. "I like that."  
  
"What is the first thing that comes to your mind," Dr. Katz put his hand into a triangle and waited for Asuma's reaction.  
  
"What if the first thing that comes to my mind," Asuma started, "was completely irrelevent to our discussion."  
  
"Okay," Dr. Katz said, "why don't you pick a topic of your choice."  
  
"Why do strangers bug me for cigarettes?"  
  
"I don't know." Dr. Katz said.   
  
"Are they teaching the younger generation to not take candy from stranger?" He wondered. "If they think that innocent child will be poisoned by candy they receive from strangers, what do they think will happen to them, as adults with something hanging over their head, when they receive something from strangers?"  
  
"I don't know." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"Do you have any answers?" Asuma laughed.  
  
"Maybe you want to ask me a question to see if I do or not." Dr. Katz suggested.  
  
"Who would you have sex with: Betty or Veronica?" Asuma asked.  
  
"I don't think that is information you will have to know for your mental healt." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"Betty." Asuma shook his head. "You're a Betty man."  
  
Dr. Katz erased the chest of the bust he was drawing of Betty and increased the cup size. "Can we get back to you?"  
  
"That rainbow tie is really bugging me," Asuma announced. "Veronica is my choice."  
  
"I think there's drugs to correct that choice."  
  
Author note: Betty! Okay, this is a question any guy should answer. Does he like Betty or Veronica? This isn't about cartoon boobs, but a desire between sweet smart sensitive girls and sexy stylist sensual girls. I do willingly conclude that I wish for an intelligentual equal, with an unrealistic body. eheh (Damn am I drunk? Not enough, one more Mike's hard lemonade!)

* * *

Gaara blew out five smoke rings before talking. "I have a problem falling asleeping."  
  
"Have you tried lying in bed and closing your eyes?" Dr. Katz, the son, asked.  
  
"I don't really want to fall asleep," Gaara stated, "we fall in love, but shouldn't we rise to love? Who is above love that he must fall into love?"  
  
"I don't know," Ben said, "I'm just a doctor. See my credit card."  
  
"Nice hologram," Gaara said.   
  
"Where do you want to go in life?" Ben repeated the same words his father had given him.  
  
"No one wants to go to failure, but itn't that the best way to go?" He asked. "See, if you go to failure, either you win or you lose. Either of them is a victory."  
  
"You should be a therapist." Ben suggested.  
  
"I can't ignore my problems," Gaara said, "for my fifth birthday, my father gave me an assassination. You can bet that I took out the trash for the next week after that."  
  
"What are the odds?" Ben asked.

* * *

"As a member of the smoking community, I am happy to have my own section," Asuma told Dr. Katz.  
  
"Why is that?" Dr. Katz finished putting up the curtain between him and Asuma.   
  
"There is hardly any people in my sections. Any solf-core smoker, who is contemplating quiting smoking is with the other side." Asume said. "No one in the smoker's selection even remotely talks about the patch."  
  
"Is there any hint that you would give up smoking?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"Not until I cannot influence the younger generation of my habit." Asuma said.  
  
"Why do you want to have the younger generation smoking?"   
  
"If I am out of smokes," Asuma said, "who am I going to go to for asking for cigarettes?"

* * *

Dr. Katz and Dr. Katz sat down for dinner. Dr. Katz, the older bald man, asked his son, Dr. Katz; "Betty or Veronica?"  
  
"Betty," Dr. Katz responded. "Blondes just want to have fun, plus she is smart."  
  
"Do you think that Betty is the dream girl that everyone wants to have?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"As for cartoon characters, the list starts off as this," Ben said, "Daria, Velma, and Betty."  
  
"Velma? You mean from the series, Scooby Doo?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"When pairing up, Daphne and Fred, Norville and Scooby." Ben stated. "Velma was all by herself. That is hot."  
  
"So the not so popular girl is a man's wet dream?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"Yep," Ben said, "especially if he is wearing a rainbow tie."  
  
"Betty isn't too much to ask for?" Dr. Katz ignored Ben statement.  
  
"Daria Morgendorffer is what men should seek." Ben wisely said. "She's the dream of all men."  
  
"True." Dr. Katz said. "I realize you also had a chance to become a therapist. How was that?"  
  
"Actually," Ben started, "I can't remember."

* * *

Author noteS: I am so drunk. But really, Daira Morgendorffer is the most honest girl there is. Why have I passed up the chance to me with a girl like that because of her nerdish appearance? What have I given up?

* * *

Next Patients: Yuuhi Kurenai and Akimichi Choji  
Guest Appearance: Ashinami Raidou (Don't know why, but he will have some part in the story.) 


	6. Sugar: Kurenai, Choji

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist to Ninjas  
Chapter Six: Sugar  
By: Cornel Kennedy  
  
Knocking on the door to the washroom, Dr. Katz pulled back a yellow sleeve and looked at his watch. His eyes glared at the face of his watch and his foot tapped the ground. His hand rubbed his face that was covered in stumble. He knocked again. "Ben, I have to shave before I go to work."  
  
Ben stared at himself in the mirror over the skin with a hand on his chin, and with more knocking, Ben looked over his shoulder and scowled. "Just five more minutes."  
  
"You said you were going to be five minutes in the washroom when we were in the living room." Dr. Katz stated. "That was five minutes ago."  
  
"Well, I don't travel at the speed of light," Ben said, "I wasn't in the washroom in an instant. The shortest distance between two points is a line, so why don't you stop getting out of line with me and get to your point? Why do you need the washroom?"   
  
"I need to shave before going to work, Ben." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"Did you install some face recognization device on your car and can't start the car without a clean shave?" Ben asked. "You looked fine to me when I left for the washroom."  
  
"Ben, this may come to a surprise, but there is a different set of standards in the outside."  
  
"In the outside," Ben chuckled, "what about these standards?"  
  
"Well outside, we don't go around killing people because other people wouldn't find it fair. However, I don't think anyone there would object if I came in there and drowned you in the toilet." Dr. Katz jested. "Really Ben, are you having a problem you would like to speak about?"  
  
"No, you can't turn off that doctor mode." Ben said turned his head to see the two sides of his face.  
  
"I used a preposition to end a sentence, Ben. I am not here to help you; I'm here for you." Dr. Katz told his son. "Is there anything missing from you, Ben."  
  
"Ben, uh?" he sighed. "Why don't you call me anything else?"  
  
"Stay in the washroom another minute, and I have a few names for you." Dr. Katz joked. "Do you want to change your name?"  
  
"Nah, Ben is a great name. What I want," he rolled his eyes up, "this is discomforting. I don't know the rules for this sort of thing."  
  
"Can we talk face to face?" Dr. Katz wondered.  
  
"Can you ask to have a nickname, or does it just come to you?"   
  
"I think you'll have to go outside for a nickname. I had got my nickname at work." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"What's your nickname from work."  
  
"It wasn't my current work." Dr. Katz explained. He recollected it and put his hand on his bald head. "I rather not say."  
  
"It has something to do with your hair," Ben laughed. "I think that what's missing in my life is a nickname."  
  
"Meet some people, and it will occur naturally." Dr. Katz suggested. "Got any preference. I may be able to tell you what crowd to go to."  
  
"Scarface," Ben grinned at the mirror.  
  
"You do realize that you're going to have to have a scar on your face to be called that." Dr. Katz mentioned.  
  
"You don't say."

* * *

Laura looked up from her desk and saw Dr. Katz with a dirty beard. "What with that..."  
  
Dr. Katz interrupted her, "don't want to hear about it."  
  
"Your first patient is waiting for you in the office. She came by with her boyfriend." Laura announced.  
  
"She can wait," Dr. Katz said, "what do you believe about reducing the sugar in my diet?"  
  
"What answer will stop this conversation soonest?" She asked.  
  
"That it would be bad choice for me." Dr. Katz told her.  
  
"I say go through with it." Laura said.  
  
"Damn, how did you know it was a trap?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"I didn't, but I can't avoid influencing you to make the wrong decision." Laura stated.

* * *

Kurenai sat on the new couch, and adjusted her white toga that was over a red sweater with one long sleeve. Dr. Katz told his seat and put his hands together. "How is your relationship going?"  
  
"What relationship?" Kurenai asked and crossed her arms.  
  
"With you boyfriend who dropped you off." Dr. Katz answered.  
  
"Boyfriend?!" Kurenai said.  
  
"Husband?"   
  
"Husband?!"   
  
"Love slave?"  
  
"Hmm..." Kurenai pictured herself in leather and a whip with Asume tied to a chair. "Love slave?!"  
  
"Aren't you a couple?"  
  
"Couple?!" Kurenai outbursted. "I am so tried of people thinking that because a woman is near a man that she is in some romantic relationship with him. I was in line for the movies."  
  
Clip:  
  
(Kurenai performing all voices)  
  
Kurenai is next in line for movie tickets and Shino is a head of her.  
  
"And how about that lady standing five feet away from you?" The lady at the cash register says. "Aren't you going out with her?"  
  
Kakashi who is standing behind then says: "Wait, I thought I was the one who was suppose to be thought to be going out with her."  
  
End of clip:  
  
"I let the boy in front of me pay, of course," Kurenai said. "That is why women have to stick in pairs. Don't go anywhere my yourself. Either you're with a friend who happens to be a male, don't even suspect that he's going to be your viewed as your friend. You have to be with another woman. That is how we are able to avoid confrontations with guys we don't like at the bar."  
  
Clip:  
  
Kurenai is hanging out with Anko at a bar.  
  
Gai nods at Kakashi and gives him the nice guy pose before heading over to Kurenai and Anko. "Hello, ladies. I'm the green beast to Konoho!"  
  
"Anko," Kurenai says, "has it been your time of the month?"  
  
"You bet!" Anko yells with an strict face full of tension, "I hate men. When was the last time you've shaved your legs?"  
  
"The last time you stopped being a ball of bitch that you are."  
  
Gai walks away and Anko and Kurenai high five eachother.   
  
End of clip:  
  
"Oh," Dr. Katz said, "that's how it works."

* * *

"Are you going to eat that?" Choji pointed his fat hand wrapped in bandaids at Laura's desk.   
  
"That's a stampler." Laura said.  
  
"Agrafeuse is french for stample. Doesn't it sound more edible?" Choji asked. "I don't know if there is a word that cannot be translated into french and not sound tasteful."  
  
The intercomp sounded. "Is my next patient ready?"  
  
"I'll send him right in." Laura said

* * *

Choji grapped his bag of chips and started to munch on them. Dr. Katz stared at the chips and licked his lips. "What flavour is that?"  
  
"Ketchup." Choji stated.  
  
"Uh-huh," Dr. Katz said, "not a populaur flavour, but good never-the-less."  
  
Choji didn't respond, but from his actions of chowing down on the bag, it was clear that he agreed.   
  
"I had actually," Dr. Katz started off slowly, "actually, have stopped eatting foods like potato chips."  
  
Choji reached into his bag, and rotated his hand in the buttom of the bag, but it was gone. So was Dr. Katz who fell asleep in his chair. Choji searched his fanny pack but couldn't find any more treated until Dr. Katz's fish bowl caught his attention. "Hmmm..." Choji smacked his lips together. "Fish!"

* * *

At a corner store of Konoka, Ben entered the parlor and sat down. Next to him was a copy of Cum, Cum Paradise, but because they were no pictures, he folded the book back up and put it next to him. At the counter, Ashinami Raidou showed up. He had a nice smile, but what distracted most people was the flap of skin over his cheek. "Welcome to Raidou's Scars." He said. He lifted up a book and opened it up. "You should look at what we can offer you."  
  
Ben flipped through the pages. "How did you get that scar?"  
  
"You have to cut the cheek and pull down on the skin so that it can be folded." Raidou said. "Then we take a coal heated rod and press it against the face to produce the scar tissue."  
  
"Anything else close to the pain of dying?" Ben asked.  
  
"We have the cross the eye scar." He said. "It seems like it would hurt a lot, but it is mostly harmless, but bad ass in most ways."  
  
Iruka entered the parlor, and waved his hand at Raidou. "Hey, scar face."  
  
"Hey," He replied.  
  
"You're scar face?" Ben asked.  
  
"Sure," Raidou said.   
  
"I wantta be scar face."  
  
"It's the rules," Iruka stated, "there can only be one scarface."

* * *

"Hey, wake up," Kurenai told Dr. Katz.   
  
Dr. Katz startled, and readied his pencil and pad. "You've been recently promoted, what was that like?"  
  
"I have climbed another step up the ladder." Kurenai said. "It's not that great, now I have experienced people complaining to me. People don't stop complaining."  
  
"That's not true," Dr. Katz said, "they usually run out of money."  
  
"That's easy for you to say." Kurenai said. "I'm a teacher, and I love my students, but can't love involve killing them for all of the stupid things they do?"   
  
"I would predict that you want me to say yes."   
  
"Exactly, and no matter what, there is always one devil in my class. I hadn't thought about it when I was teaching a group of students, but now that the numbers are gone, I can see that there has to be one student who ruins everything." Kurenai said. "Kiba, he asked me if I was married."  
  
"What did you do?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"I don't know about other women being asked this question, but doesn't it make you feel that you need to explain something else that is good about you. No, I'm not married, but I was recently promoted."  
  
The end music started playing. "You know what that means?"  
  
"It's not some music you play after you score is it?"  
  
"I think that the cd would be ruined by now, if that was the case," Dr. Katz joked.  
  
"If only you had shaved." Kurenai got up and walked away.  
  
"Damn." He said.

* * *

Dr. Katz rested on the couch as Ben entered the living room and sat on Dr. Katz's legs. Dr. Katz got up. "How was your day, Ben?"  
  
"Call me Sir." Ben said. "I finally got my nickname. Sir."  
  
"How did you get that?" Dr. Katz asked.   
  
"That's what the bus driver called me." Ben said.   
  
"What happened to Scarface?"   
  
"Someone else already had that name." Ben told him.  
  
"Well, we all get our nicknames sometime or another."   
  
"What's your nickname?"  
  
"Chromedome."

* * *

Next Patients: Tenten, Rock Lee, and Hyuuga Neji  
Guest Appearance: Tsunade 


	7. Milk: Lee, TenTen, Neji

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist to Ninjas  
Chapter Seven: Milk  
  
Dr. Katz holding a newspaper between his ribs and arm and in the other hand held a cup of coffee, pulled up a chair on the dinning table across from Ben. The arranged what he was carrying around a plate of pancakes. "You know dado," Ben started, "I never wanted to follow in your footsteps."  
  
"I'm glad to hear that," Dr. Katz said, "It's nice to hear you wouldn't introduce what I had into this world."  
  
"That was some pot shot at me, what's it?"  
  
"I didn't want it to interrupt the conversation," Dr. Katz announced, "I thought it was a remark that would sink in after I had left for work."  
  
"Dad," Ben said, "I got all my evil from you."  
  
"That's not true," Dr. Katz corrected, "I still got my evil."  
  
Ben chuckled. "Sure," he sipped his tea, "but what I meant is that I had filled in for one of your clients, and I actually enjoyed hearing what this dude had to say."  
  
"I sort of figured that you had done that," Dr. Katz said.   
  
"You should do some house calls," Ben said, "Iruka will hook you up with the ride."  
  
"It would be nice to go to one of my patient's house." Dr. Katz said. "I did miss one of her appointments. Can you call Laura and tell her to call Tenten and tell her that I wouldn't be in today? I'm going to surprise her at her house. Have a good day, Ben."  
  
Dr. Katz picked up his coat from the chair and put on his hat. "Yeah, got you."  
  
"What did I tell you to do?" Dr. Katz probed.   
  
"To have a good day," Ben said piling up another bowl empty bowl to his side, "yeah, yeah, I'm right on it."  
  
"I told you," he stopped and look at the mess Ben was making, "why don't you refill your bowl instead of using another bowl?"  
  
"The cereal is too logged with milk when I get to the bottom, I need a new bowl," Ben argued.  
  
"Whatever," Dr. Katz said, "have a good day."  
  
"You don't have to remind me," he said as his father left the appartment. He poured the milk once again and emptied the bag. The line of milk was not visible. "Oh no. I need some more milk!"  
  
He bolted to the refridgator but it had no milk as well. "The whole bowl will be wasted. This is bad, very bad."

* * *

"Thank you, Iruka," Dr. Katz said into his cellphone outside his appartment building, "and when should I expect..."  
  
Iruka emerged from a cloud of smoke. "I'll take you to Konoho right away."  
  
"How.. how did you do that?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"I'm a ninja." Iruka told him. He closed his eyes to slits, pulled his hands behind his hips, and took a closer look at Dr. Katz. "You aren't Dr. Katz."  
  
"It was a ninja.." he started and shrugged his shoulders, "thing?."  
  
"Of course," Iruka smacked his palm to his forehead protector. Soon he had his hand on Dr. Katz's shoulder. "Get ready."  
  
They appeared in the office of the fifth hokage, which was no different from the previous hokages. A blonde bombshell, the current hokage, Tsunade sat behind a desk riddled with scrolls. Iruka made his way out so Dr. Katz took a seat. "Welcome to Konoho," she began, "we haven't had a chance to meet when you made your first trip here. There are some rules if you want to be in this universe."  
  
She held up her index finger: "First, you can't be a fanfiction writer."  
  
Dr. Katz pulled his hand upto his mouth and patted his lips, "oh, sorry. Was a drooling?"  
  
She smirked and raised her middle finger: "Secondly, you can't be a fanfiction writer."  
  
"Is that it?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"That is it for the rules." Tsunade said. "But you must be wondering why I have sent my people to see you?"  
  
"I don't see why I should as the checks aren't bouncing." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"Being a shinobi is a physically draining task and it is equally a mentally damaging one as well. As a person who has taken care of the ill and injured, I have the welfare of others on my mind. The problem is that I cannot cure the mentally disturbed." She banged her hand on the table and shook her head in shame. "I just can't. Not like you have for your patients."  
  
Dr. Katz's eyes searched up for reflection.  
  
Clip:  
  
Dr. Katz is in his office and a patient is smiling.  
  
"I think I had a breakthrough. I think I can move on with my life." The patient says.  
  
Dr. Katz wakes up from the outburst and looks at his notepad with a stick figure holding up two bags of money. "Really?"  
  
"Yes, thank you." He responds.  
  
"The session is over, so I think we should give your recovery one more coat of wax." Dr. Katz said. "We haven't talked about this. How was your childhood."  
  
The patient's smile turns into a frown.  
  
End Clip:  
  
"You can bet on it." Dr. Katz said.  
  
"I better not," Tsunade said, "I'll take your word for it."  
  
The phone rung at her desk and she picked it up to put her hand over the receiver. "It's only the most important calls that come here. You know."  
  
Once again Dr. Katz's eyes went up to the ceiling in reflection.  
  
Clip:  
  
Dr. Katz is at his office receiving calls from Ben as different patients glare at him.  
  
"Hey, Ben. No, I didn't know she that close in degrees to Kevin Bacon."  
  
"What's up, Ben. I think your wrong in thinking if the spin of the toilet was reversed that it would push things out of it.  
  
"Oh, you've forwarded a telemarketer to me."  
  
End Clip.  
  
"This is an crisis. A class H mission. Only the Hokage can do this." Tsunade ran to the door. "Sorry, I hope you enjoy your stay."

* * *

TenTen pulled a hand from behind her back and tapped on the stampler like a bell. "Ring, ring."  
  
Laura with her hand in her red hair looked up at TenTen who smiled. "Is Dr. Katz in? I'm TenTen."  
  
"Last name?"  
  
"The Hokage didn't know so she set up my name as just TenTen." She then put her hands on the desk and lead forward. "But, if you really want to know..."  
  
"No, I don't." Laura put it mildly. "Dr. Katz hasn't come in today. I think he skipped work. I should fit you in for another date."  
  
"No!" TenTen squealed. "I demand a session now."  
  
"I don't know what to do," Laura said. "I see people come in here all happy and full of life and when they leave they have lost all hope. I think that all Dr. Katz does is remind them of all their problems... sure, I'll play with you."  
  
"Ah," Tenten swooned, "a playdate. A friend."  
  
"You're really needy and desparate." Laura said.  
  
"I like playing therapy with you, friend," TenTen stated, "what should I do to stop being that way?"  
  
"Don't take crap from people." Laura blurted.  
  
"You mean, I don't have to?" TenTen asked.  
  
"Of course not. I bet there is a girl under there who is strong willed and ready to take action." Laura brushed some hair out of her face. "You know, you remind me of me when I was your age."  
  
"So your the dead end I will come to if I don't change," Tenten held her chin.  
  
"Hey," Laura said. TenTen widened her stance and pulled out a peace sign to Laura and held one hand behind her. She smiled and winked her eye to complete the sweet girl pose.  
  
"I'm just kidding," TenTen said, "you're amazing, Laura."  
  
"Thanks kid."

* * *

Ben was in the living room watching television and continually rotating the cereal in the bowl when there was a knock on the door. Under his arms was his favourite stuffed animal, Bully, a lanky red devil. "It's open."  
  
The door swung open and crashed off its hinges.   
  
"Idiot!" Tsunade shouted and walked into the appartment carrying a bag of milk. "Next time, get your own damn milk."  
  
Ben ran in to meet her and scowled. "I sure will with your crappy service." Ben held up the bag of milk. "I don't have a holder for this. I need carton of milk."  
  
"I'm taking this," she swiped Bully away from Ben. She vanished then.  
  
"Bully?" Ben said. He ran his hands through his black hair. "I am not having the good day that my dad asked me to."

* * *

Dr. Katz was in TenTen's room. "Don't you think you should know if TenTen is here or not?"  
  
He didn't get a response. Walking to a chair, he see that TenTen's closet is ajar and two bright white eyes are piercing out of them. Bounding over there, he opened the closet to see Neji tied up and gagged. Neji coughed as the gag is removed. "Lee is under her bed."  
  
He helped Neji out to put him on the bed and searched under the bed to roll Lee out from underneath. "Are both of you alright?"  
  
"TenTen has done this before so she could be the first to see the Hokage as a ninja." Neji said. "She's gotten better at it, but I wished that Gai would have saved us sooner."  
  
"This is a dramatic experience." Dr. Katz said. "I suggest that we have a group session."  
  
"You mean a couple's session. There's only two of us." Lee pointed out.  
  
"Don't call it that." Neji said. "I am in."  
  
"Then so am I!" Lee burned with flames in his eyes. "I will go to therapy eight hours a day and show people that hard work can beat genius."  
  
"But you already work out 18 hours a day. There isn't enough time in the day for what you are suggesting." Neji pointed out more logically then whenever Lee pointed something out.  
  
"Don't boss around my biological clock." Lee stated. "I can work hard and gain more than 24 hours in a day."  
  
"You know," Dr. Katz said, "some people call that tomorrow."  
  
"Why can't we hear it today?" Lee asked.  
  
Dr. Katz and Neji were perplexed with that question and went on from there. "Neji, what do you dislike?"  
  
"Usually, I like to throw that question to the side." Neji said. Lee who was on Neji's side patted his back and gave him a nice guy pose.  
  
"Good for you," Lee said.  
  
"I don't like quiters. I like to stand near Sasuke." Neji said.  
  
Clip: (Neji providing the voices)  
  
Neji is leaning against a wooden fense and watching Sakura talk to Sasuke.  
  
"Do you want to do something?" Sakura asks.  
  
"No," Sasuke replies, "You're annoying."  
  
Sakura hangs her head up giving up on Sasuke and sees Neji shaking his head. "And I thought it was about true love."  
  
End Clip:  
  
"Of course, the whole situation reminds me of Charlie Brown and Lucy playing football." Neji snickered. "Winners never quit, and quiters never win, but people who never win and never win are stupid."  
  
"Do do-do, do-do," Dr. Katz sung, "you know what that music means."  
  
"That you should stick being a therapist," Lee quipped.

* * *

Hanging up his hat and coat, Dr. Katz saw his son at the table hugging a bag of milk. "What's wrong, Ben? We don't have a container for bags of milk."  
  
"Bully is gone, my cereal went soggy, and I couldn't fix the door so I taped it up," the door peeled off the frame. "The worst day in my life."  
  
"Did you remember to call Laura so she could call TenTen?" Dr. Katz asked.  
  
"Who the hell is TenTen," Ben said, "I never that name before."  
  
"Yeah, I didn't remember talking about her either." Dr. Katz said. "So what happened to Bully?"  
  
"The Hokage stole it," he told him.  
  
"Why did she steal it?"  
  
"I ordered her to go on the mission to buy me some milk," Ben said.  
  
"Did she remind you of anyone?" Dr. Katz asked pulling up a seat. "A show you used to watch?"  
  
"One large globe of bitch," Ben pouted.   
  
"You know, big mouth, violent, slightly plumb, blonde hair, pushy?"   
  
"Miss Piggy!" Ben laughed.   
  
"But let's not tell her when we go apologize for wasting her time." Dr. Katz said.

* * *

Next Patients: Hinata, Ino, Kiba   
Special guest: Orochimaru 


	8. Grey Hair: Hinata, Ino, Kiba

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist to Ninjas  
Chapter Eight: Grey Hair

Dr. Katz sat at his desk in his office and buzzed Laura. "Ah, Laura. Could you come in here for a moment? Just a moment, would really be great."

"Can't do it." Laura's voice emitted from the intercom.

"It's just, that, when I ask you to come into my office, well, I feel that you never take the idea seriously." Dr. Katz said. "Could you come in here once?"

"I got a crisis I have to deal with." Laura removed her finger from the machine and focused on a hair that she held between her fingers.

"Is there anything I can give you to enter my office?" Dr. Katz asked. "Anything at all, you can think of?"

"You mean something like a door prize?" Laura asked.

"See, there is no having it one way or the other, Laura. If I were to give you a door prize, I would have to start stationing someone outside my door for an exiting poll for the election." Dr. Katz explained. "I can give you reassurance. When you enter my office,"

"Isn't your office just for people with mental problems?" Laura asked.

"I'm in here." Dr. Katz stated.

"And that is why you're having to explain your case to me." Laura retorted.

"Just a brief case, you should know." Dr. Katz snickered. Laura moaned over the intercom.

"Will it prevent a string of bad word puns?" Laura asked.

"Yes." Dr. Katz said. He waited for Laura to come through his door. She stood at the front of his desk. "Last night..."

"No way," Laura interrupted, "not starting like that."

"How about the night before this morrow?" Dr. Katz suggested. "I can do this in a poetic fashion."

"Just get on with it." Laura demanded with her hand in her wavy red bangs. "Only pull out points that will sicken me."

"Ben has recently found my old stash, and I am afraid that if he learns that during the elections that he may throw his vote away on a 3rd party candidate who supports legalization." Dr. Katz explained. "What would you suggest to be the best way to inform my son about all of his choices? I would not object if he does vote for a 3rd party candidate, but I just don't want him to pick the wrong reasons."

"Why don't you get him to meet the runners?" Laura thought and the phone rung. "You better pick that up. That was why I didn't want to come in here."

"Could you, could you pick that up?" briiiiing Dr. Katz asked. "I have to be prepared to take the call and compose myself." briiiiing

"It's probably Ben," Laura said. "He calls here a few times a day."

"It doesn't sound professional." BRIIIIING Dr. Katz said. "It would be very... thanks."

Laura had left and soon the phone started ringing. "Dr. Katz, it's Ben."

"Hey Ben, how are you enjoy my marijuana?" Dr. Katz asked and his smile of hearing his son vanished. He muttered an approval. "I see why you would not want to come to your next appointment, Mr. Stiller. It was like that time you couldn't bring yourself to have sex with that woman." Dr. Katz explained. "Great, see you tomorrow."

* * *

"Hello," Hinata said to Laura at her desk.

"You can go in to see the doctor now," Laura added, "to avoid repetitiveness in life of already experiencing changing a girl."

"My sister," Hinata started as she sat at the edge of the couch, "she takes up all of my father's attention. Oh sure, I suppose he was there for my kidnapping, but he did not sit next to me during the final Chuunin exam. It is quite a strange thing to show up at an event to see that people you could have gone with are also there. Do you try to sit next to them or sit somewhere else?"

"Flip a coin," Dr. Katz hinted, "if it doesn't come down, you are trapped in a nightmare."

"Indeed, we have all had this problem." Hinata said. "So Kiba and I sat behind them to mentally torment them. It was a real cute suggestion, but really, he didn't have enough money to buy closer tickets."

"This was at a sporting event." Dr. Katz said. "Do you get to see advertisement there as well?

"Advertisement would be different for ninjas." Hinata said. "If you are not careful enough walking around during a sporting event, you could end up in a deep sleep to dream about tourist information about the Sound Country."

* * *

Ben pressed the numbers on phone. "Hey, Laura."

"What do you want?" Laura asked on the other line.

"I'm wondering if you want to meet at the arcade." Ben said. "The local candidate for some party that supports legalizing pot will be there."

"You shouldn't vote on stuff superficial and unimportant things." Laura commented. "Who are the party and candidate?"

"Who cares? Pot." Ben coughed. "Could you burrow the car from my dad? I need a lift there."

"I would like to do something youthful." Laura said. "See at the apartment."

* * *

Dr. Katz got out from behind his desk and went to the reception room. Laura was gone and Kiba and his dog were sitting down.

"Hello," Dr. Katz said. "If that dog isn't assisting a physical handicap, I can't allow that dog in the office."

Akamaru barked. "You're right, Akamaru," Kiba said and broke a leg off the chair he was sitting on, "he wants you to sit outside in the cold to shiver as you are tied to a tree."

"You know," Dr. Katz said, "as a mental professional, I don't think that you should pretend that your dog can speak."

"But he can!" Kiba said. "And we can prove it."

"Okay," Dr. Katz said and put Akamaru on Laura's desk, and pulled out some coloured pens, "if your dog can tell you the colours of my pen then I will believe you."

"Akamaru can't see colours."

"I'll show him a number with my fingers."

"Can't count."

"A sentence from a book."

"Can't read!!!" Kiba shouted. His patience was gone and he started trashing around the room as Akamaru chased his tail in excitement. Kiba ended his whirl wind of destruction. "Akamaru can talk."

"I'm going to write you a subscription for this pill." Dr. Katz said. "I think it will calm you down."

* * *

Dr. Katz heard his intercom beep. "Yes."

"Tsunade is here to speak with you," a blonde haired receptionist said.

"Okay, get her to wait a moment before I call her in," Dr. Katz said and looked up as his door opened and Tsunade entered. "Hello, Tsunade."

"We can't perform much here in this world," she said, "we should have little effect on it, but Orochimaru is running as a candidate for some seriously stupid title."

"Tsunade," he said. "Could you wait at the front desk as I recollect my thoughts?"

* * *

"I forgot how loud arcades were," Laura said as Ben had a friendly conversation with the changer, "Ben, ah, Ben, you know that is only a machine."

"It's one of my secrets." Ben said. "It makes me a better player. Are you getting gray hair?"

"Shut up!" Laura scoffed. They went upto a beat them up, and Ben fed the machine. "So, what do I do?"

"You just tag along for my high score journey, so that we can use both of our initials to spell out a bad word on the high score list." Ben said. "What's a six letter word?"

"Stupid." Laura said. "Not a suggest mind you; but, a comment on your plan."

"Hello," Orochimaru said and the two jolted as they saw his pale face and purple eye shadow, "I am the candidate for the Sound Party. Ever since the beginning of existence has a species been most misled and confused as humankind. This is because we see the reflection of death. I will break the cycle of life and death."

"Pot, yeah!" Ben said hazily looking around at all of the flashing screens and noise.

"So, I can count on your vote?" Orochimaru said.

"Nope," Ben said, "I am not going to vote. It's a political thing."

"I have always explained that the U.S. government had nothing to do with Sailor Moon being taken off the air," Laura said.

"Then I challenge you to a game," Orochimaru held up his hand with two tokens between his fingers, "If you win, I will give you the secret of immortality."

"Those are crappy terms, sorry for putting it mildly," Ben said. "If I win, you have to get rid of Laura's gray hair."

"Oh, Ben," Laura crossed an arm over her chest, and sunk her shaking head into her other hand. "You will get them too."

"Deal," Orochimaru said, "and if I win, you have to become my slave."

"I don't have anything to worry about," Ben let out a single laugh, "I have spent more than fifty dollars on average on each machine. I'll even let you choose."

"Then, I choose, Tetris," he pointed at a machine in the corner.

"What the hell is Tetris?" Ben asked Laura as Orochimaru lead them to the machine. He placed in two tokens and the game began. "Well, it's a video game, I must be good at it."

It did not take Ben long to lose.

"Now, I will be your opponent," Laura said. "Since College I have brought my Gameboy to class and everywhere."

"Didn't it get hard carrying around all of those punch cards?" Ben joked. Laura sneered at him. The game began.

"If I win, I want black hair," Laura said. "And you?"

"I prefer red," he said.

* * *

Ino sat on the couch, she had a bowl of ice cream in her lap that she was stirring with a racket using her spoon.

"Do you have to be so loud?" Dr. Katz asked. "You shouldn't play with your food."

"I like to eat my ice cream melted," Ino replied doubling her efforts.

"Can't you just leave it out?" Dr. Katz suggested. Ino gave him a dirty look belonging of the highest degree of disgust that can only be performed by a girl her age at that period of time.

"Then it wouldn't be cold," Ino said.

"Cold isn't the greatest quality I could think of now," Dr. Katz murmured to himself.

"That was a shot at me!" Ino objected. "Besides, I'm a busy girl."

"At your age?" Dr. Katz said skeptically. "I don't believe you have important things to do."

"And don't you have better things to do than to argue with a girl trying to enjoy her ice cream?" Ino replied and pointed her finger at the therapist as he opened his mouth. "Don't start in this loop argument with me; everyone has better things to do than be subjected to that."

"What do you mean loop argument," Dr. Katz said raising his hands up innocently, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You say I waste my time, and I say you waste your time by saying that I waste my time," Ino said, "and the loop continues about how is wasting the most time."

"But," Dr. Katz started, "how about a circle argument?"

"Ah, no, and neither" Ino bossed him and quickly added, "No loop, coup, droop, hoop, troop, stoop, dupe, drupe, croup, roop, soup, swoop, poop or group argument."

"Wait, what is the last one you said," Dr. Katz asked.

"So what, I said poop," Ino said, "You don't have to take a crap over it!"

"No, I think you said group argument," Dr. Katz said, "Perhaps we can get some group sessions."

"You just want to drain more money from Konoha," Ino objected.

"Officially, I am undertaking suggestions from my clients," Dr. Katz said but looked at Ino's raised eyebrow, "and what would it take to make you agree that this is a suggestion?"

"Let me chose the pairs," Ino said enthusiastically and leaned forward with her hands together in front of a flowery background.

"Mmmmm... I wonder if it would make a good wall paper?" Dr. Katz said finishing up his picture of a goldfish, "Oh, you were saying something?" 

The ending music started to play. 

"You know what that means," Dr. Katz said. 

"Uh, you said something?!?" Ino shouted.

* * *

The screen flashed: "Game Over"

The crowd that had formed cheered as Laura defeated. Ben put up his hand to give Laura a high five that she nodded to someone in the crowd to take.

"There, I win," Laura said, "Ben is your slave. Now give me my black hair."

"Okay," Orochimaru said, "Forbidden Jutsu: Immortality no Jutsu!"

With a flash of light, Laura and Ben screamed.

"Why am I screaming like a girl?" Laura said.

"There's your black hair," Orochimaru laughed in his girly tone and vanished with the red haired girl.

"This isn't part of the deal!" Ben yelled shaking his fist. He slumped down and found his hands in his pocket. "Ewww... there's holes in these pockets. Oh no, I've become Ben!"

* * *

"Okay, we are glad to hear you are taking care of this mishap," Dr. Katz said and put down receiver down. He sat next to Laura. "So, why don't you stay at your place?"

"I'm not going to explain this to my friends," Laura said. "Bad enough they wouldn't believe that I switched bodies with the son of my co-worker."

"Boss," Dr. Katz corrected her, "call me boss."

"This is your fault for dealing with those ninjas," Laura crossed her arms in the usual across the chest and under the arms. "Disgusting, how much does Ben sweat? He doesn't do much."

"Consider it a step to tolerating his bowel movement," Dr. Katz joked.

"That's not helping," Laura said, "and what about my body. I don't like this one bit."

* * *

The End

Next Chapter: Pairings!  
Hinata and Naruto (together in couples therapy)


End file.
